


Hollow Hurt

by chaosfay



Series: Willow Hawke and Fenris [4]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Betrayal, Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Loss, Love, Platonic Romance, platonic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-03
Updated: 2020-06-03
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:48:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24518689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chaosfay/pseuds/chaosfay
Summary: Sometimes love takes more time, especially when memories of a past forgotten are remembered again.
Relationships: Fenris/Female Hawke, Fenris/Hawke (Dragon Age)
Series: Willow Hawke and Fenris [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/346796
Kudos: 11





	Hollow Hurt

**Author's Note:**

> I rarely write about my Hawke, possibly due to never getting a strong emotional attachment to the game. Late, though, I've been thinking about Hawke a lot. This fic may not follow events exactly, but that's forgivable seeing as I'm using this just to flesh her out as a person.
> 
> This was a prompt sent to me on Tumblr: After everything we’ve been through, you still don’t think that I love you?

Willow wanted little more than to just scream, to rage, to  be let the world know the anger burning inside her. She sat alone, overlooking the cliffs with the sea slamming against the walls. There were few birds this time of day. The sun was coming down, as was the temperature. She shivered in her  armor, layers meant for fighting but not for warmth. As rarely as sitting alone like this occurred, she ought to be treasuring it, she knows this, but Willow wants only to  be held . To not be alone. Life is so heavy.

Light steps behind her, deliberate so as not to surprise but quiet enough to be just be an alert. Fenris.

“Isabela is waiting with Merrill. They have a fire set up and dinner over the fire.” His voice was soft, but stiff. To the point. 

“Thanks.”

There was a pause. She knew he was there, could simply feel like she always does, and it hurt. The pain stronger with the silence. 

“If  you’re going to linger, at least sit next to me. You  don’t have to talk, just...be here. Even if it’s just for a minute.”

Another pause. She understood his fear, or tried to.  He’d been through hell and a half, always expecting the worst in people, in himself, in her. So, she waited.

Fenris’s shadow moved beside her, taking a seat on the rapidly cooling rock she sat on. She  didn’t look at him,  didn’t reach for him, just sat there. 

“I’m sorry.” His voice was soft. 

Willow shrugged, never taking her eyes off the horizon. "That’s  Fereldan .” She pointed to the horizon, of nothing but darkness rapidly filling it. “I don’t know if it’s home anymore.”

“Willow-”

“I used to imagine going back. Kirkwall is ruins waiting to happen, a shit pit of a city, but it’s where I’m at. Been here for years now, and I still don’t call it home.” She took a pebble near her and tossed it over the cliff. 

“Are you...alright?” His eyes reflected the moonlight when she looked at him.

“No. I’m not  alright . I’m leagues from  alright .” Tears ran down her face, freely, quietly. “I haven’t been alright in a long time.” She looked at him, not bothering to wipe the tears away. “My sister is far away, my brother is dead, my mother is murdered, and now I’m here. Alone.” She turned her gaze back over the horizon. “I’m alone.”

They sat like that for a time, Maker knows how long, and rage continue to burn her hollow.

Fenris got up and left, saying nothing but touching her shoulder before he walked away. At least he touched her, but that made it hurt  all the more . She wanted to  be held , to  be loved , to not be so fucking alone. He comes, he goes, he never stays. She knows why, can sympathize, but damnit, she wanted feel something because she was getting numb.

The more she thought about it, the more it hurt. The more it hurt, the more she cried. She knew if Isabela saw her,  she’d get teasing her suggestions for hurting others. Take it out on someone else. If Merrill saw her,  she’d instead comfort her, and do what she does for so many of the elves in the Alienage. Hold her hand, comfort her, say the right things, redirect.  That’s not what Willow wanted right now. 

The weight of a blanket came over her shoulders and a bowl of hot something thrust in her hands. “The air is cold and the food warm.” Fenris sat down next to her, a blanket over his shoulders, a bowl in his  hand. He moved with  such grace, a dance in every step. Willow tried to match it, but humans can only so far.

“Thank you, Fenris.” They ate in relative silence, her sniffling and the sound of eating being about the only sounds. 

“Do you hate me?” 

The question startled Willow out of her thoughts, forcing her to look at him. “Excuse me?”

“I asked, do you hate me?” He looked at her, but not at her eyes. He looked at her hands, shame in his shoulders.

“No, I don’t. Nor do I fault you for walking away. It hurt, it still does, but I don’t hate you.” She set her empty bowl aside, and gently place her hand on his. They were shaking. “You did what you needed to do. I just wish I received more than a cold shoulder.”

He relaxed, turning his hand over that he may hold hers. “It was difficult, and I feel ashamed for having not spoken to you sooner. I didn’t know what to say, or how to say it, and it seemed best to stay quiet.”

“Has it helped? Staying away?”

“Yes. No. I’m not sure.” His thumb runs over fingers, gentle and kind. “I remembered too much at all once.  It’s taken time to work through all of it. I’m still working on it with a little help.” Willow stiffened and made to pull her hand back, but Fenris held tight. “Not like that.  Varric is a good listener.”

“I. .. see .” She ground her jaw, relaxed it again, her stomach sank. “I would have listened.” Her hand  in his. 

“It was too much, Willow. There was too much and a lot of it was you. I didn’t want to have you tainted by my mind not knowing what’s happening.” His hand was under her chin, forcing her to look in his eyes. They were like spring at midnight. “They weren’t good memories, Willow.”

She tried to look away, but his hand cupped her face. 

“We’d been through so much, and though single-minded I was, I couldn’t ignore my feelings for you. I did what I thought was best, and it was the best, but I  didn’t know what would happen. Not for a minute.”

Willow held still now, shaking, crying, but listening.

“Being you was the single greatest experience of my life. I don’t regret it, only what happened after.” In a single swift move, he pulled her into his arms, wrapping her in his. “After everything we’ve been through, you still don’t think I love you?” 

Her words  were mixed with sobs, “how could  I think you loved me when you avoided me as though I were a plague? How could  I believe you loved me when, at the sight of me, you left whatever room I was in. You spent months avoiding me? How the fuck should I have felt?” She tried to push him, to shove him, but he held firm.

“I needed time and didn’t know how to say it, but I know now. Willow, I’m sorry.” 

She shook in his arms, “let go of me.”

He released her, but not her hand. “I need time, and so do you. You’ve suffered loss after loss, but right now, you need time.”

“What the fuck do you think I need time for? Another funeral? Another war? What do I need time for?”

“To remember.” He kissed her forehead before gathering their bowls, both having  been shoved aside. “Remember life with your family. It hurts, every day, but it helps too.” 

He stood up and made to walk away. 

“Fenris.”

“Yes.”

“Thank you.”

She knew he nodded his head, that he did his slightly less pronounced  bow, before he walked away. When sure he was out of  earshot , she spoke barely above a whisper, “I love you too.” 

**Author's Note:**

> I took some edibles to help me sleep, expecting it to take a couple hours to kick in. NOPE! About halfway through this I felt the effects. So if it gets a little odd towards the end, blame this edible. The letters are floating in a sort of 3D formation and makes it difficult to pay attention to what I'm typing. I just wanna keep watching the words move. Like jut now.
> 
> Please leave comments if you like what you read!


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